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Homesick, College-sick, Homesick

September 16, 2010

I’m undergoing three major transitions in my life right now. I have graduated from college and started “work,” I have moved abroad, and I have attempted to become financially independent from my parents.

I feel really lost, and it’s not because I can’t read all the road signs in Chinese. (That’s actually not really a problem for me – thank you to Pleco for the iPhone.) Almost my entire life has undergone an upheaval. The one constant factor is Rick, and thank goodness for Rick. My relationship with him is rock-solid, perhaps stronger than ever as we go through this transition together.

But what am I doing with my life?

At Harvard I often asked myself, “what do I want to do with my life?” I never figured it out there, which I know is fine. I still don’t know what I want to do, what I’m good at, or where I’m going. I know this is okay, too, but I’m so EAGER to figure it out.

As I struggle with this question, I suffer three independent bouts of longing, sickness for the before:

1. I’m homesick for my house, with my family. I spent four years mostly away from home, but I could always go back – without an international flight and passport stuff. When I’m home, there’s always fresh fruit in the house. I miss fresh fruit. And the beautiful weather, and the knowledge that two people’s lives were dedicted to supporting me, fiscally and emotionally. I was always protected. Fresh fruit is expensive in China, and I’m buying it with funds from my dwindling bank account.

2. I’m homesick for college. College is truly an amazing place, and you don’t realize just how much until it’s gone. Not only did I always have academic goals, but I could refresh those goals on a semester-basis. I had all kinds of extracurricular activities, thorugh which I gained purpose, leadership experience, and friendship with amazing people. I was surrounded by social activity, friends I could count on, and fun things to do on the weekends. Here, it’s tough. My coworkers are mostly significantly older. The English theater scene here is frankly pathetic, and no musical theater to speak of.

3. I’m homesick for the USA. I miss pizza. I miss cheap cheese at the grocery store. I miss silence–China has more noise pollution than anywhere I’ve ever been (post on noise-pollution to come eventually). I miss shops operating in English. I miss cleanliness, I miss courtesy, and I miss customer service.

If work were going a little better, I might be distracted more from all of this sickness, but I have done almost nothing in the past three weeks. It’s tough. I feel pretty useless, and I hate feeling useless. I don’t really have goals or dreams related to my job, and I don’t see where I’m going to grow over the next few months.

Perhaps this is why my entrepreneurial spirit is in overdrive. I read a blog called VentureBeat that tracks all sorts of start-ups, worldwide. I’m so envious of people who have come up with innovative business ideas and are pursuing them. is one of my favorites. What a brilliant, genius idea! I also love Yelp (and it’s Chinese copycat Dianping), and, and Dippin Dots, and I wish I could come up with something as brilliant as these people.

I want to feel like I’m going somewhere instead of how I feel now: like I’m floating in a still lake. Just floating. Wating for something to push me along, but there’s hardly any wind blowing and I’ve forgotten how to swim. So I wait.

Maybe I’ll start writing a book.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. CBuck permalink
    September 16, 2010 3:43 pm

    i would read your book morgan
    i miss you 😦

  2. Mom permalink
    September 16, 2010 11:55 pm

    Your entry makes me feel so sad, Honey! I want you to come home so I can give you a big hug and feed you lots of fresh fruit and go for quiet walks at Sawyer Trail. I miss you more than you could ever know. And guess what – I’m going through the same thing you are. I know that what I’m doing now is not enjoyable for me, but I don’t know what would be or how to prepare myself for what would be. I think I need one of those career or life coaches.
    Love you!

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